Couples’ Surviving Infidelity and Affair Counseling

San Jose Infidelity Counseling

There’s a very good chance if you’ve ended up on this webpage you’ve recently discovered your spouse or partner has been unfaithful. 

You may have just found out your husband has been having an affair with a co-worker, your wife has been emotionally connecting with her boss. 

The typical method of discovery is the phone.  You may have innocently picked up your partner’s phone and happened to see an inappropriate text or picture which led you down a rabbit hole of pain and suffering. 

Infidelity happens in all types of relationships: gay, straight, queer, poly, open or non-monogamous. 

Whether you call it cheating, having an affair, adultery, infidelity, or breaking your monogamy vows, it profoundly hurts people in committed relationships.

It is the single most hurtful and destructive thing that can occur in a marriage where monogamy is the stated goal.

Because it is so devastating, it is quite often not handled very constructively in relationships.

Infidelity does not have to mean an end to the relationship.

And here you are.

Maybe you’re screaming all the time, maybe it’s icy silence at your house: it doesn’t matter.

This is probably the worst and most scared you’ve both ever felt.

You don’t know what comes next.

Can you trust again?

Can you promise yourself it will truly never happen again?

Is the relationship doomed?

What will everyone think and say…and how do you balance what everyone thinks and says with what’s right for you?

Your. Heads. Are. Spinning. 

It’s time to stop going through this alone.

Without help, you’ll keep having the same fight.

There are too many emotions, too many questions, too much hurt and overwhelm. Without a neutral third party expertly guiding your conversations, you’ll fight and rehash, fight and rehash...but never actually heal.

This affair can be the devastation point of your entire life…
Or it can be one part of your life story, just like the many other parts you’ve already survived and learned from.

And this is where we come in. 

We help people make the hard decisions:

What now?
Can we recover?
Do we stay together?
Can we rebuild a better relationship than we had before?
Is there hope for us?

Couples do recover from affairs...if it’s the right thing for them.

If you ask if couples can survive infidelity, the answer is a resounding YES!!!  We know because we see it every day. 

We’re experts at counseling couples through infidelity and affair recovery.

It’s a difficult road, and not for the faint of heart, but we see the couples we treat not only survive the recovery but thrive in their relationships. 

Coming in as a couple is the best hope for helping your relationship survive. You might also choose to have your own individual therapists at the same time, and we can support that as well. 

Whether couples choose to stay together or separate, getting in a room together and having real, honest conversations about everything that’s happened is the best way to find closure and healing around this hard spot in your life.

We’ll help you by:

·      Helping to create a sense of safety

·      Understanding the type of affair that occurred

·      Work through disclosure

·      Provide a safe space for your emotions

·      Work together with you and your partner, or as individuals

·      Recover together

·      Rebuild your relationship

·      Create a stronger, intentional and intimate relationship

Affair Recovery Counseling.  Who can we help?

For the betrayed:

Your world is completely turned upside down.  You may be looking back over the past and trying to make sense of all the lies and deceit.  You may not know what to do, who to talk to, if you should stay or if you should end the relationship. 

You may be experiencing:

·      Rapid mood swings

·      Difficulty sleeping

·      Nightmares

·      Loss of appetite

·      Intrusive thoughts

·      Having difficulty looking at or being near your partner

·      Confused by an increased interest in sex with your partner

·      Difficulty with memory

·      Clumsiness

All of these symptoms are completely normal.  In the very early days of your recovery, you are in shock due to the grief and loss you are feeling.  Loss of the relationship you thought you had and grief over the loss of the future you were planning for. 

Finding out that your partner or spouse has been unfaithful to you is devastating. We help you recover from the shock of the unfaithfulness and find hope in the devastation.

Due to the highly intense emotional reactions betrayal trauma creates, oftentimes, it is not handled very constructively after the discovery.  These feelings and behaviors can lead to more damage down the road

For the affair-involved partner:

So often, we see a wayward partner come in, also in shock. 

You may be shaken to the core with the realization of all that you’ve risked for the affair.  You may be thinking about losing your family, not seeing your kids every day, financial changes that come with divorce, what your friends and parents will think…

You may feel shame, fear, anger, exposed, embarrassed. 

Guilt and shame may be pouring in, especially when you are faced with your devastated partner. 

You may be wondering, ‘who am I?’ and ‘how could I have actually done this?’

We know that even good people have affairs.  We just need to figure out how you ended up here and where you want to go from now.

If you commit to the affair recovery process, we’ll help you learn how to help your partner, and your relationship to heal. 

We will support you in becoming more transparent with your partner, show you how to communicate instead of avoid and how to reassure and validate your partner during their healing process. 

In later stages of treatment we will also help you explore your disappointments with yourself and your relationship. 

We often hear the betrayed spouse say, “why didn’t you tell me what you wanted?”.  We help the betraying partner learn how to recognize their own needs and wants, how to feel valued and how to communicate those wants and needs. 

What is infidelity and why does infidelity happen?

Simply put, infidelity is a sexual, physical or emotional act or behavior with another person that you would not do in front of your partner because exclusivity is expected and without your partners consent. 

Cheating happens in different ways and now, with technology accessible, it happens virtually and online.  We are seeing more and more affairs occurring where the two involved parties have never actually met in real life.

 There are 3 generally agreed upon types of infidelity in relationships.

            The most commonly recognized type of infidelity is the physical/sexual affair.  Discovering your partner has engaged in physical or sexual acts with another person can leave you feeling dirty, unloved, undesirable, and as if you’re not enough. 

            Emotional affairs are the result of creating and engaging in emotional connections with people outside the primary relationship.  This type of infidelity is more difficult to spot as it takes the form of sharing secrets, talking about your relationship troubles, sharing deeply personal thoughts and spending a great deal of time together.  This type of infidelity can be tricky to recognize and is often defended with ‘we’re just friends’. 

            Relational infidelity is creating any relationship that becomes more important that your relationship with your partner.  Relational infidelity includes making the affair relationship as the priority placing the primary relationship’s needs as secondary. This type of infidelity can include addictions, over-working, as well as personal relationships.

Infidelity Counseling.  What does help for infidelity look like.

Infidelity counseling, or affair recovery counseling, is for couples and individuals working through betrayal trauma, affairs and being cheated on.

Research shows approximately 25% of all marriages and 40% of unmarried couples experience an affair, infidelity or betrayal of some kind.  Infidelity is a common problem that is uncommon to be openly talked about.

Research also shows that couples that begin relationship counseling for infidelity have a rate of over 60% in successfully repairing their relationship. 

Initially, we will meet as a couple and will focus on stabilization and crisis management   

Your infidelity counselor, we will ask you about your current situation and also about your history.

In the beginning, the goal will be to create a sense of safety for the betrayed partner, ending the affair, learning how to minimize any further damage to the relationship, how to emotionally cope with the betrayal trauma and how to support the betrayed partner during their recovery. 

Once shock has worn off and emotions have shifted, we’ll begin to explore what purpose the infidelity served, what unmet needs and wants led to the affair and how to create an intentional relationship for the future. 

During treatment, your infidelity therapist may ask to meet with you individually for more intensive work. 

 No matter if you call it cheating, having an affair or infidelity, betrayal greatly hurts people who have agreed to be in a committed relationship.   

Trust is one of the pillars of a successful relationship. A betrayal of that trust is one of the most damaging and hurtful ways to rupture the relationship. 

The sooner you can begin working with an expert at affair recovery the better. 

How you survive those early days can set up the recovery experience to succeed. 

Having an expert to guide you through a devastating situation can be life and relationship changing.

Cheating does not necessarily mean a death sentence for your marriage. 

We help couples just like you all the time, and we look forward to helping you through everything.

Let us help you recover from infidelity and intentionally create a stronger relationship.

Email us now. Start your recovery today.